HOW I MET KAREN, AND AM BEING STALKED BY A NEANDERTHAL

IT STARTED WITH BO MOO JABOO

I had an eight foot tall girlfriend one time and although the sex was great, the beatings were a little hard to take. She was also really hairy.

Not that I don't like hairy women, (I especially like going down on a hairy hoo hoo and feeling the hair against my toungue) but she didn't really take care of it and it was kind of tangly and stinky.
To tell the truth, it was when I was in school and we found this paleolithic block of ice from the first ice age (the first ice age of the paleolithic age, so it was from about 80,000 BC) and we unthawed her and she was really nice but very angry about something that she was not able to articulate.

Anyway, we fell in love (I think) and had lots of really good sex but frankly there was a language barrier and also a really big difference in our choice of restaurants (she only ate meat).

The thing that finally tore us apart was when she tried to drive one of our horses over a cliff. Apparently that was something she had done before. I tried to explain to her that I had a perfectly good totinos in the freezer but then it got really violent and she bit me and I never saw her again. She's out there somewhere, and god bless her, but also, frankly, I'm pretty over the drama.

So Karen and I met in siberia in 1996.

How I met Karen

So here is how I met Karen, the love of my life: It began in 1986, when I was the foreign correspondant to the Soviet Union for Classic Rock 97.9 here in Tampa Bay. My boss was a DJ named Ted Pritchard and he sent me there to cover this music festival (the main act was the hot Russian band Productive Minds with their hit single, "You Say Nothing, I Agree"). I was supposed to interview them. Anyway they had this gala awards banquet in the basement of a posh downtown tractor factory and I was arrested for "lewd and unsanitary behavior" (or so they said). I was disguised as a cheap prostitute and crashed the affair and there was some altercation between me and Tip O'neal and Jean Kirkpatrick ... that's another story .. but anyway...

I was sent to this Gulag (which I thought was the russian word for Barbeque, BOY WAS I WRONG ABOUT THAT I SHIT YOU NOT!) so I was there for many years until apparently the Soviet Union fell and they forgot all about us.

Now, our job at this gulag was to make vodka from the potato fields that surrounded it (potatoes don't grow very well in Siberia but we made do). After the Soviets abandoned us, all we had to survive on was vodka. We never had any food or anything, just vodka, but it was ok, I think. I don't really remember too much.

Anywho, it was 1996, 10 years after my sentence began that Karen was deposited in the Gulag (somehow, I don't know, I thought they had forgotten about us, so that was a big topic of drunkie discussion with the guards, CONSTANTLY) and she had been captured after fighting the Hamas Army in Syria or someplace. She was a sniper, trained by the Chinese Communists who had defected to Israel and was working for the Mosad. They sent her to Syria to take out this training camp and she killed about 800 people before the Russians came in and took her out with some kind of stun rocket thing or whatever, she couldn't really tell me too much about it because she woke up in the gulag.

So we fell in love, after a bunch of times that she tried to kill me, and also this is interesting, she didn't drink so she had to live off of me .... you know, for nourishment, ok I won't go there, but anyway I kept her alive and then finally in 2006 AFTER 20 YEARS we finally escaped. it was quite an adventure.

How we escaped

So, Karen and I had been imprisoned, me for 20 years, her for 10, when the Russians found out that our camp still existed. Someone had discovered it on something called Google Earth (whatever that is). They decided to exterminate all of us by sending us to this place called Kasputan Yar where they had this thing called the Buran that was going to shoot us all into space and crash us into the sun.

Atleast that was what the buzz in the camp was.

Anyway, they put us all into these boxcars and we had been travelling across the tundra for days. They would stop every four hours and let us out for air.

This one time, we were out for air when this dude walks up to me and tells me that he is a US senator and that as an American it was my duty to help him escape.

YEAH RIGHT! TWENTY FUCKING YEARS IN A GULAG WITH NOT ONE SINGLE OUNCE OF HELP FROM MY COUNTRY TO GET ME OUT?

So I said, "OK, Here's what we'll do. I'll create a diversion, and you run for those trees." and then he said that I was a great American.

Guess what? I know I'm a "Great American" and I don't need some fucking weenie senator to tell me that.

So I said "GO!" and he started running.

I created my diversion:

I yelled "Look! That man's escaping!!!"

In all the shouting and gunfire, Karen and I bolted in the opposite direction and before you know it, we were in Finland, eating pickled herring and having monster sex without holding our noses.

So now here we are, and she and I are doing pretty well. I got my old job back, except I've changed my stage name from "Warped Erik" to "LL Cool Beans", and she makes a lot of money from these things called "contracts" (I don't know what that means, but it puts bread on the table) and we've got several kids and have monster sex every night in the chat room. Life couldn't be better!

I have a couple of problems with YOU TWENTY FIRST CENTURY PEOPLE, however:

1) In 22 years, you haven't cured ONE disease, or come up with an improved cough medicine (dextromethorphan and that gufanasinaisnaisn thing, that was from the 1950's for christs sake!!!)

2) There are still no robots or flying cars (OK, someone gave me this thing called a ROOMBA which all it does is crash around the house, get stuck, and bitch at me! Also, whats is your epitome of movies? Star Wars??? I had that 40 years ago! What else? Star Trek? SAME F-ING BULLSHIT)

3) You are using the SAME space shuttle (WTF is up with that??? the SAME space shuttle, and 2 of them blew up???? And you are surprised???)

4) Everyone keeps telling me that something called "cell phones" and "the internet" are the greatest recent achievements of civilization, but these things make no sense to me. Not getting it. Whatever these things are, I think it's all in your heads!)

5) Everyone is BITCHING that gasoline costs 3 bucks a gallon. Are you fucking kidding me? Three dollars? After 35 years since it was TWO dollars? GIVE ME A BREAK YOU BABIES!

6) You have a THOUSAND TV CHANNELS and there's still NOTHING WORTH WATCHING!

Still, I can't complain too much. The Neolithic Revolution, which started at around 10,000 BC produced most of what is still commonplace today, and with the exception of the atom bomb, computer, and apollo program, there hasn't been a nearly comparable advance in civiization since. Think about it: The neolithic period produced agriculture, domestication of animals, construction of houses with wood, stone and clay, marriage, government, religeon, beer, wine, war, property, commerce, factories, borders, kitchen utensils and plates, weapons, art, smoking, sports, cities, writing, furnature, landscaping, plumbing, math, shaving, cloth, proper footwear, maps... the list goes on...

So what have we done since 5000 BC? Not fucking much if you ask me! We've refined these things, made them better, but the one thing that's been around since the dawn of man is still the one thing that Karen and I do five times a day, and once in front of the cam on this thing you call the "internet"...

SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!!!

(actually, I hear that the bucs finally won a superbowl, so I guess that's pretty freakin' cool)

LOVE YA!

-E